Tuesday, 17 December 2013


It's been a while since I did anything here but all will resume to normal come 2014 I promise. In the meantime, here's a little rant about what bothers me most at Christmas...

I love Waitrose as much as the next pseudo middle-class Northern born, South dwelling twatish suburbanite but sometimes they can take things too far. Like a really bad joke or that extra half bottle of port in the Christmas punch,  they can push things so far over the line that they force a convulsive head shake or even dry wretch. Waitrose's bonanza style Christmas can often have the same effect as watching a drunk family member failing to remember the Macarena alone on a make-shift dance floor down the local on Christmas eve - a kind of uncomfortable mixture of amuseemnt, pity, shame and yearning for a black out. Waitrose Christmas extras are like excessive sequins; bad for a waistline and not something that should be excused just because 'it's Christmas'.

What I’m getting at is a plea; can somebody please ask Waitrose to stop messing about and ponsifying (yes, I know it’s not a word but it fits best in this case) Christmas. It is fine as it is and has been for an awful long while. It doesn’t need glazing with morello cherry liqueur and a touch of gold leaf or covering in bloody pine nuts, that’s for Pret Wraps not sprouts. A Christmas sandwich is turkey, stuffing and all the (basic) trimmings, no sausage and definitely no gammon. Sweeter sprouts for kids? They can toughen up and gulp down those stinky mini cabbages like the rest of us. Instead of pigs in blanket, or as M&S imaginatively call them ‘devils on horseback’ (yeah, WTF?), this year the big W have gone and introduce dried orange and dates into the mix. Why? It’s the straw that broke the Mary laden Donkey’s back for me to be quite frank.I just keep thinking why? What does it add to the mix? Just because you can do something doesn't make it right,like Haim covering Sheryl Crowe or murder for example...Waitrose are basically murdering Christmas by coating it in a million extra flavours. This may sound OTT but it's true.

They’re trying to create an ‘unforgettable’ Christmas and that’s an honourable gesture (well, if they weren’t going to make a bloody fortune from it, it would be). What Waitrose are forgetting here is that an ‘unforgettable’ Christmas might not be a good one. The family who got burgled on Christmas eve or who stranded in an airport had an ‘unforgettable’ Christmas. Yes, Christmas is about excess and trying to inflict diabetes, gowt and heart-disease on oneself within a confined 48 time span but Waitrose have over egg (nogged) the pudding so much they’ve become the Kanye West of supermarkets - just too much!

Next they'll get Heston to create some sort of buffet all-in-one sweet & savoury hybrid in form of a trifle stuffed with cocktail sausages & vol au vents. Right, I’m off to flog that idea to the Waitrose product Department. It’ll go down a treat with some advocaat and swan fat coated, saffron infused roast potatoes. I'm coming Delia! Might pop to Aldi for some mince pies on the way though…