It's been a while since I did anything here but all will resume to normal come 2014 I promise. In the meantime, here's a little rant about what bothers me most at Christmas...
I love Waitrose as much as the next pseudo middle-class
Northern born, South dwelling twatish suburbanite but sometimes they can
take things too far. Like a really bad joke or that extra half bottle of port in the
Christmas punch, they can push things so
far over the line that they force a convulsive head shake or even dry wretch. Waitrose's bonanza style Christmas can often have the same effect as watching a drunk family member
failing to remember the Macarena alone on a make-shift dance floor down the local on Christmas eve - a kind of uncomfortable mixture of amuseemnt, pity, shame and yearning for a black out. Waitrose Christmas extras are like excessive sequins; bad for a waistline and not something that should be excused just because 'it's Christmas'.
What I’m getting at is a plea; can somebody please ask
Waitrose to stop messing about and ponsifying (yes, I know it’s not a word but
it fits best in this case) Christmas. It is fine as it is and has been for an awful
long while. It doesn’t need glazing with morello cherry liqueur and a touch of
gold leaf or covering in bloody pine nuts, that’s for Pret Wraps not sprouts. A
Christmas sandwich is turkey, stuffing and all the (basic) trimmings, no sausage
and definitely no gammon. Sweeter sprouts for kids? They can toughen up and
gulp down those stinky mini cabbages like the rest of us. Instead of pigs in
blanket, or as M&S imaginatively call them ‘devils on horseback’ (yeah,
WTF?), this year the big W have gone and introduce dried orange and dates into
the mix. Why? It’s the straw that broke
the Mary laden Donkey’s back for me to be quite frank.I just keep thinking why? What does it add to the mix? Just because you can do something doesn't make it right,like Haim covering Sheryl Crowe or murder for example...Waitrose are basically murdering Christmas by coating it in a million extra flavours. This may sound OTT but it's true.
They’re trying to
create an ‘unforgettable’ Christmas and that’s an honourable gesture (well, if
they weren’t going to make a bloody fortune from it, it would be). What Waitrose are forgetting here is that an ‘unforgettable’
Christmas might not be a good one. The family who got burgled on Christmas
eve or who stranded in an airport had an ‘unforgettable’ Christmas. Yes,
Christmas is about excess and trying to inflict diabetes, gowt and
heart-disease on oneself within a confined 48 time span but Waitrose have over egg (nogged) the pudding so much they’ve become the Kanye West of supermarkets - just too much!
Next they'll get Heston to
create some sort of buffet all-in-one sweet & savoury hybrid in form of a
trifle stuffed with cocktail sausages & vol au vents. Right, I’m off to
flog that idea to the Waitrose product Department. It’ll go down a treat with
some advocaat and swan fat coated, saffron infused roast potatoes. I'm coming Delia! Might pop to
Aldi for some mince pies on the way though…
